To me, it seams you only want me on your terms, when it’s convenient to you and most importantly, when you can’t have the one you really want.

You wanted me after the concert.

So you kissed him.
You said his kisses were like mine.
Comfortable. Close. Deep.
You said they made you wet.
I wish I still made you wet.
But I don’t.
I haven’t in a long time.
I’m breaking. Shattering inward.
You tell me you don’t want me to hurt.
You tell me your worried this will scar me.
My rage screams back from the cracks you caused,
“TOO LATE BITCH!”

But my lips stay still, my mouth smiles.
“Don’t worry about that baby girl, it will be ok”

I’m broken, scared…Forever.

It’s too late for you to worry bout that now…

I hate you Steve Ryan…part 3

Here it is a month later and again you stride back in to our lives.  You were forgotten. You were FORGOTTEN. Then back in you march.  Really?

This time, I don’t blame you for everything. You’re stupid, you’re horny and you need to grow up but the fault doesn’t lie with you.  She let you in.  You came knocking, but she answered the door and then invited you in.  It might have been guarded, but SHE let your pathetic ass in.  Maybe she felt sorry for you.  Whatever it was, she let you in.  So for that I put no blame on you.  You’ve got balls; I will give you that one. 

Day before Christmas you messaged her on Facebook.  You asked her that if you messaged her on Facebook if it could be kept between just the 2 of you.  Here’s the kicker, SHE said YES!  She said she promised. WTF!!!  Ok, I will come back to this part soon. 

So, you messaged her.  You started by asking how she was. Then you tell her you miss her.  She repeats the same.  You tell her that you think about her a lot.  She tells you she thinks about you almost every day.  She has to go because we are headed to my parents for Xmas.  You tell her to message you tomorrow.

Day after Christmas, she messages you.  You both chat about Christmas.  Yours was good.  Hers/ours sucked.  The conversation turns to school.  Then she says she think about you quite a bit. That she can’t help it. You tell her you wish you could see her.  She apologized for everything that happened. Tells you it broke her heart. You tell her it was your fault (your right, it was…but hers also…and a little bit mine too). 

 Then you start in with the “I want you”.  You ask her if she wants you too.  She flirtatiously answers “Maybe….I will plead the 5^th on that one.”  

Then nothing!  She deletes your messages.  Gone!  Hides the scent.  Covers the tracks…  It’s been a few days now since you found your way back in.  She has said nothing to me about it.  But I already know. .. It’s eating at me.  Welling up inside.  I was at work when she got rid of the evidence.  What she didn’t know was that I had the password to her facebook.  Didn’t steal it.  She gave it to me a while ago.  I hadn’t used it tell that morning…

You are not on my side.  You are not here for me, you are here for you!  I’m the just your afterthought.  I’m only here because I’m comfortable.  I’m safe. Because I’m already here.  I have been here. Because we have kids.  I don’t think you want me. I know you don’t.  I feel it.  I don’t make you happy any more.  I don’t think I have for a long time.  You disregard my feelings. You push and push and push me away and if I were a stronger man, I would have left years ago.  But still, I’m here…

I love this adventure we are on.
This journey thought our hearts.  
The 3 of us.
You.
Me.
Him.
US…. together.

(I forgot to post this when it was written in mid November 2011.)

I so can’t fucking do this. I hate my life. I hate how sad I am inside. I can’t believe you make me feel so fucking small. 

Today, the more I think about this, the more you make me wait…

The further I move away.

You had better hurry, cause I can’t hold on much longer…

I don’t think I can do this.

I’m laying here on the couch. My chest is beating.

My heart hurts.

Your in the other room. It’s 2am. I’m lost.

You told me “It makes since for you to sleep in the master. You get up early. Makes it easier. And I won’t wake you”.

The master bedroom is so lonely. I stair at the covers, the pillows.

They offer no comfort.

No warmth.

Just memories…

So I’m lost. On this couch, shaking.

Im so sad. My head hurts. My heart beats.. THUMP THUMP THUMP.

Over and over. It’s all I can hear.

My brain. Spinning. Running. Racing.

SCREAMING.

This is the death of something.

This is the end of everything.

Mixed. Thoughts. I lay here.

Imagining your in the other room with him. With his text messages.

Ramming their way into my mind! whispering sweet lovely words. Quickly replacing me.

Steady, I tell myself. It doesn’t work.

You told me before we headed our separate ways, that you belong to me. You are mine.” but my head, my heart. Feel the truth.

This is the end.

I’ve started down a path
I’m not sure I want to travel
but not sure how to change course.

I’m scared I have lost my way
and will not make it back to NORMAL

and yet still,
I’m not sure I want too…

I said Forever…

you said “thats a long time”

I know.
But I’m up to it.

As long as you are here for me when I need you, then I’m here for you.

4 years ago I told you 143 years.

We still have 139 to go.

And I’m looking forward to each and every day…

Stefan,

We never really got a chance to talk much but I want you to know that Dawn really likes you.

I mean REALLY LIKES YOU!

I think your a really great guy too. I see how happy and giddy she gets every time you text her or hang out together…

She’s really upset right now. I know you need your time to figure things out.

I totally understand. No rush. And I hope you haven’t been made to feel like you had to rush. If so, I’m so very sorry for that.

Dawn told me you were confused. I totally know the feeling. I think we all are. But at the same time, the best way to be comfortable and secure and to figure out all the thoughts we are all having is to hang out, spend time together.

Get to know each other. I know you were concerned that you would be the “other” guy, the 2nd man or even just a bootie call. That’s the furthest from the truth. She wanted, we wanted you to be an equal. A part of US. Long term!

But how do you know if something will work or won’t work, if you don’t give it a try?

She raves about you. She talks about you non stop. She likes you so very very much.

She is the most amazing woman I’ve ever met in my life. I love her unconditionally and would do anything for her.

Right now, She’s laying on the bed heart broken. She’s crushed. I have a feeling your not having the greatest night either. I know you like her. I know you like her a lot. I know she likes you. I know she likes you a lot!

And if you just Give it a chance. If you both, if we all just stop over thinking things and stop trying to protect our hearts, who knows, something amazing might grow.

A guarded heart is a is a stunted heart, a heart that cannot let love in.

I know it’s a lot to take in, a lot to deal with and I can’t promise you everything will be exactly perfect.

But I know, if you give it a chance, you won’t regret!

There is beauty
to be seen
in the darkness
if only you open
yourself
to it.

I fell in love with your bounce, your giggle, your glow. I fell in love with the way you looked at me, your smile, and how you hung on every word. I fell in love with the way you made me feel.

I’m so thankful for that. For everything you brought to my life.

Even if I think I’ve lost your bounce, your glow. Your smile and your gaze.

I’m so thankful for the time I had it.

The devil hides
not in doubt or questions
but in blind faith

this is where he makes
his home.